Why do Chinese always feel compelled to pay?

With locals who earn a fraction of what you do as a foreign expert, this can be especially bewildering, if not uncomfortable. The Chinese concept of face, which drives this seemingly irrational behaviour of splashing cash in public, is one of the main factors behind the urge to foot the bill. Or to put it more positively, being a good host is paramount. Moreover, Chinese don’t like to feel obligated – bought for the price of a meal. This explains why someone you took to dinner last week has been hounding you about a return treat ever since.

Chinese almost never “go Dutch” or “AA”, as it is called in their lingo. However, younger generations do seem to be slowly taking to the concept, especially when dining and wining among close friends. To the older generation, splitting the bill implies the host is incapable of affording the treat or even worse, a sign of estrangement, rendering the process of dining together absolutely meaningless.

Instead, in the spirit of reciprocity, an informal rotation system exists. Under the seemingly unending depths of hospitality, the Chinese believe that eventually their “kindness” will be repaid and one day, you will automatically start picking up the tab.

Of course, the novelty factor also weighs in as well. Chinese are delighted to entertain guests from afar. Showing off their wealth in front of “exotic” foreigners seems to give a certain kick, as does waxing lyrical about local culture, delicacies or attractions. At the very least, honored guests must be well-fed (or overfed). Just like on your last trip back home, family and friends were so glad to see you back that they wouldn’t let you pay for anything when you were with them – at least until the initial euphoria of seeing you died down.

Besides the karmic force that drives the dinner tab roster, more sinister motives may exist. Foreigners are often viewed as language practice targets or information/ placement centers for emigration attempts. Working for an MNC? Your “guanxi” will be well sought after. In any case, foreigners are often viewed as well-heeled suckers for offloading products on. If you smell a rat, turn down the invitation firmly right from the beginning.

When should you pick up the tab?

When you are the one needing a favour or “guanxi”, you have no choice but to foot the bill, and order lots of dishes to boot. Footing the bill could encompass entertainment activities like golf, karaoke and anything your prospective client may fancy.

A less obvious situation is when you have something to celebrate, running counter to what you are used to back home, where friends buy you a birthday treat. Whether it is your birthday, your kid’s birthday, your new job, recent promotion or raise, you are expected to give a treat, as well as feel honored when guests turn up in droves to give you “face”. In return, guests normally bring a “hongbao” or a present for birthdays and special occasions.

As with most aspects of culture, who pays for dinner varies from place to place. In certain provinces, like Shanghai, girls almost never pay. Do also watch out for non-verbal cues for you to fork out the cash. If your dinner companion makes a big show of looking for his wallet, it is probably time for you to take out yours.

Things to note when you are not paying

There’s no such thing as a free lunch. If you’ve got one what should you do?

First and foremost, never assume. Always offer to pay repeatedly. Or at least make a move for your wallet a few times, even if you know your offers will be rebuffed. Nobody likes to think they just treated a freeloader.

Thank the host profusely. Even if you secretly detest their company, offer to return the treat, especially if the host comes to your “territory”, or where you live. During the ordering process, unless you are very familiar with both the host and Chinese menus, leave ordering to the locals. You can, however, give suggestions or advise them of your dietary requirements, which the host is usually happy to accommodate. If you are the one to order however, don’t be stingy with the selection of dishes you order. In more formal situations, hosts usually order a handful of expensive items, including lots of meat, seafood and alcohol. Don’t be tempted to order mainly vegetarian dishes to reduce the cost of the bill; the dishes you order is an integral part of the face-giving process.

Bringing a gift is usually optional, with the unseen rotation mechanism well set in place. Special occasions like a birthday are the exception. Rather than fretting over what to get, a “hongbao” is usually more appreciated. Non-monetary gifts are viewed as a means of concealing stinginess with cash. For business situations, corporate gifts go a long way in helping matters along.

Since gifts are not expected in most situations, you can also use this to your advantage by springing a surprise on the host, especially if they are in-laws or prospective in-laws.

If you really insist…

So your Chinese friends are really dear to you and you are dying to treat them. How do you pay without getting overly physical?

The usual practice locals also employ is to pretend to go to the bathroom but detour to the cashier. If your dining companions are more astute, get your kids, or your girlfriend, or whoever looks more unsuspecting to sneak off to the bathroom.

Technology also allows you to achieve the same with more finesse. Purchase the treat on a “tuangou”, or group buying, website, to take care of both payment and ordering issues. If you don’t want to appear stingy, remember to arrive earlier to complete all group buyingformalities in the guests’ absence.

An alternative to fighting for the bill is to offer to pay for movies or ice-cream or whatever activity you are going to after the meal. But if you are unlikely to ever see them again, you’ve no choice but to fight it out. Entice wait staff to accept your cash by offering the exact change. Or say something to get them on your side, like, “accept the gentleman’s/ older or younger generation’s payment”. You can also try to reason with the host by explaining why you should foot the bill, like this meal took place on your “turf”.

The culinary-inclined have the option of entertaining at home instead of a dining establishment. But be sure to provide lots of food, in Chinese-style hospitality.

To be a good host…

If you’ve decide to host, pull out all the stops to impress or you will be seen as insincere or stingy. Always order more than necessary. Heap food on guests’ plates and ask if they want to order more. Never take “no” for an answer and order away during the meal.

When it all pays off

When you are finally allowed to pay, you can then be sure that you have become a friend, or at least no longer an exotic being. And for winning their hearts over, there is a price to pay.